Bluer than blue feelings

September 8th 2016 Feeling blue, down and out. Thoughts flying around all over the place . In fact I cannot wrap my head around that this is life now and are to be, if not forever then at least for a very long time. The constant pain and suffering. Thoughts about how long pain will be reigning. I come to realize that life, as it once was cannot be found anywhere, no matter how deep I dig. That life has been replaced by another where I cannot seem to find my feet. The anchor around my feet keeps wearing me down, I feel like I am drowning although I no way near any water. I keep searching for a place of peace and tranquility where only my love ones and the happy thoughts can reach me. Where nothing else is allowed. Where the waves gently reaches shore with the sound of silence. Where I can fall deep into the comfortable misery, that I now call life. Life as I knew is so far away. Do I even remember the life without tears, the life without any fears. I feel like I am falling I know that you will catch me, and that I won't really fall that far, I know I can make it, you have been there from the start. From my broken beginning, back when I was an innocent youth, where I could dream all day long... Dreams about the future, about getting lost in life's unbearable lightness, about getting lost in your arms. Time goes by way too fast, and I come to realize day by day that that time is gone... It's lost forever now! Words and dreams long forgotten, just forgotten somehow. I feel that I wither away in joyful sadness like a cheerful pessimist with absolutely no clue about what to do. Feeling at the end of the line, unable to move the weight placed upon my chest, making breathing an unbearable task. I have gone on too long. Fought hard and long. Carrying the weight of this heart of stone.  Feel like just letting go.   But who will save my soul? After all the things that I may have handled wrong.  I feel like I do not belong.  I feel like I will not be long.  The thoughts echoes in the dark; Save my soul... I need to save my soul. It is dragging from above, I feel it in my bones. I struggle not to let go, to never give up because it is such a wonderful life and then I see the reflection not meant for my eye. As always in this life, I fought to see the image as a whole picture. But now the little I can give, is reduced to my love. Life is like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, not even the Einsteins of the world... So I cradle my head in my hands and sometimes just breathe... There is a light at each end of this tunnel, I will shout and I will scream because I am just as far in, as I will ever be out. Stuck in the middle with no hope in sight. And these thoughts I have made, I will just make them again over and over like a merry go round... If I could only try turning around. Laying at night eyes big as bulbs, I am still awake, imaginary writing a book to myself. If I get it all down on paper, it is no longer inside of me, Those thoughts threatening the life they belong to. I feel like I am naked in front of the crowd Because these words are my diary, and I am screaming them out loud... While I breathe! Or at least trying to breathe. No you cannot hide what you intend to do, It glows in the dark, the pain... I guess it's a matter of sensation But somehow I have no way of avoiding it. Was it only all In my mind... But it is not, it is inside me; And I have "shot it and stabbed it through it's core" I just didn't understand that the ricochet is the second part of the pain. There is NO escaping the pain, the struggle, the reality.